An old friend got married this weekend.
We went to the wedding in Austin and I was asked that Will not attend. He wasn't specifically singled out as not being invited: it was a small beautiful wedding in an old elegant hotel and kids and these situations don't go hand-in-hand. It hurt, though. It hurt because the bride is one of my oldest friends and we live such separate lives but, every time we talk, she always comments that, no matter how long it's been since we've been in touch, we always go back to the way we used to be together.
We don't, though. She would have met my two-and-a-half year old little boy by now if we're the way we used to be. I would have met her husband before the wedding if we're the way we used to be. I feel like we'd be part of each other's lives more--or at all--if we were the way we used to be.
I actually went into this weekend not looking forward to the event at all. My feelings were hurt that this woman, who was once so important in my life that she stood as the maid of honor at my wedding, hadn't asked me to be a part of hers in any form. I was annoyed that I wasn't invited to a shower, but my mother was. I was annoyed that I was being asked to attend and to have my son excluded. I was annoyed that she was, essentially, asking me to choose between her and another friend by scheduling her most important day on the other's birthday.
I'm glad I went to the wedding.
It really was beautiful, the bride was stunning as always, but even more so since she is madly in love with her husband. I can honestly say I'm thrilled for her--I've always wanted her to be happy and she really seems to be. Her husband seems like a really sweet man who wants nothing more in the world than to make and keep her happy.
The whole time at the reception I felt like I was saying good-bye. The alcohol had a lot to do with that, I will freely admit. I cried when the bride danced with her father and I cried even harder when I danced with mine. I felt good about her--and our relationship to this point--when we left the reception and drunkenly made our way back to our hotel. I told her I've missed her friendship and the way we used to be. I told her good-bye and her husband to take care of her.
I don't know where we'll go from here. I'm sure I'll still get mass text-messages from her on holidays, but that's more than she gets from me. I'll still send her Christmas and birthday cards, but that's more than I get from her. I'll still get my feelings hurt when she doesn't acknowledge my son's birthday. She'll still get her feelings hurt when I call to wish her a happy birthday at 11pm the day of. We'll continue to live our lives separately and remember what we used to be.
I do want her to be happy. I want her to have a good life. But I want to remember that it's okay that friendships drift apart and you become different people. It's not bad, it's not meant to be cruel; it's just a natural part of life. The friendship has reached it's expiration date. I think we're there and I need to admit that it's okay to let it go.
I don't know if I can though. Because as I write this I'm sad and teary. And I don't know if that's because I think a large part of the way we are now is because of me. And I hate feeling like I've let someone down in that way. Because she has been there for me, been a real and true friend, through some crappy parts of my life. And I don't know that I've done that for her.
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5 comments:
Oh Jill, I feel for you now. Realizing that a friendship is over is really hard. I've been through that a lot since I moved back to Norway, and it breaks my heart every time. In time it will feel like it is the right thing though.
Jill - This friend and I used to commiserate because we always felt like we were the flaky friends to everyone else in the gang. We would always be the friends that lost touch, and we realized we didn't mean any harm to anyone, but we invariably caused it. I mean, you're my oldest friend, being as it goes prenatal and all, and I think I can count my interactions with Will on my fingers. I know I have lost some friendships because of this habit of mine, call it self-centeredness or just plain laziness, but I know some friendships I will never lose because when I do get together with those friends, it's time so well spent, where the hurt feelings and baggage are forgotten and we just enjoy the time we have together. I feel like every time I get to see you and Jason and Will, it does get to be that way. (By the way, tell Jason I am still planning our dirty version of Apples to Apples.) Those little gatherings with old friends are so important to me, and will be even moreso once Li'l Mac is born in two months. I mean, we don't get to talk every day, but I hope there is enough history there where you know I love you without constant reminders. That foundation of love is really what is important to a friendship, and makes it so it can evolve as we do.
I don't think you'll ever stop caring for that friend of yours, whoever she may be, but things will never really be the way they used to be with any of us. We're all changing and becoming different people, and I like how most of us have changed. I don't think it's necessary to say that a friendship has met an expiration date - it's just changed, but the foundation of love is still there. Nothing will change the past you had together and the important role you played in each other's lives.
It sucks being hurt by a friend's negligence or anger. It makes sense sometimes to protect yourselves from letting that happen again, especially when it's really not just you it hurts anymore - it hurts your whole family. I am rambling for sure, but it's mostly to say that you don't have to feel so bad, becaue you don't have to completely close the book on that friend - just close that chapter and turn to the new one. That's sad enough sometimes.
And I think that you shouldn't regret not being there for your friend's bad times - had she asked for your help, I know you would have been there.
Sorry for the rant - I hate seeing people I care about labeling things "weepy". I don't know if my four cents are of any help whatsoever, but just pay attention to that bit where the MacGregors love the Carters. And also - I love my childhood best friend so very much, but the life I have now being married to my new best friend - that certainly helps ease the pain of "evolving friendships". Get Jason to give you some big hugs for us.
What Rob said.
You cried when you danced with your father at her wedding ???? Which father was that! Mom just told me that she and I danced too. Unbelieveable!
It's okay, Dad--the anesthesia probably hadn't worn off yet. It can take 6 months to a year for the after-effects to wear off.
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