Elwood Returns

When I was a kid, I thought lizards were the coolest thing. I don't know why. Anyway, I liked to collect them and keep them as pets. In a fishbowl. In the backyard. Sometimes (okay, often) I'd forget about them.

The last time I did this was December 1985. My brother, good-hearted soul that he is, chronicled the story for me. My mom has kept these for the past 23 years and eventually framed them, bringing them out every Christmas. She didn't put up a tree this year, but Elwood still made an appearance.

Can't see? Here, I took some single shots. Still not the best quality, but I was laughing.

Can you see the twigs I included in the fishbowl to make it seem more homey to my little lizard? Too bad I didn't include a blanket. Yes, he has "x"s for eyes and his tongue is sticking out. BECAUSE I KILLED HIM. Also, please notice he's wearing red Chuck Taylors.

Man, I really suck at taking pictures. This is Matt's interpretation of what was going on in the Elwood Lizard home the evening he'd been captured (AND KILLED). Elwood's brother--or sister--is frantically asking "Mommy-where's Elwood?" and Mommy just as frantically answers "I don't know!". There's also a framed picture of Elwood over the fireplace. And the entire lizard family is wearing Chucks.

Ah, here we go. I must have dumped Elwood's frozen little body for his family to find (leading to the ever popular show CSI: Lizard). The family is gathered around the casket as Mommy, in her funereal black, sobs. They have a priest (or some religious figure) presiding over the poorly-attended services. Guess Elwood really wasn't that loved after all. NICE TRY, MATT! In case you can't read the head stone, it says:

Elwood Lizard

Killed by Jill Calonico

July 12, 1985-December 9, 1985

I share this story with you because, in the tradition of true Christmas miracles, Elwood returned home this year.

I should have Photoshopped some red Chucks to really drive this point home, but Mom and I found Elwood II in the house Saturday. I released him (completely alive) into the backyard to return home safely to his family.

Matt, I think this could very well be the best Christmas ever.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

To my brother Matt, who's so very far away, we miss you. A lot. Will ran to your gift before all others, but now he's scared to death of it. However, he does like to watch me try to ride it. So thanks for that. And the gift to us was luckily marked "Fragile" and it made it's way to us from Italy safely. It's now standing proudly in the guest room window so all who drive by can see it from the street. It's a major award, you know.

Mom and Dad, Will loves his Spin-and-Go racetrack, which is oh-so-educational. We've learned that marbles become projectile objects when placed on said racetrack. Also, one of the Target bargain books in the shape of a bus (complete with working rubber wheels) can travel up to three times around without falling over. Any more than that is pushing it. We've been having a damn good time with the drum kit and are excited to get Will to play while we break out Rock Band. Even more sticks for him to shove up his nose! Yippee!

I’ll upload pictures later tonight, but I want to say to Abba, Papa, Scott, Stacey, Matt & Alexis that we love and miss all of you very much. Stacey & Scott, I hope you’re both warm and a bit tipsy to honor our most important tradition of the season: Drunk Christmas. Matt & Alexis, I hope neither of you are. Matt, you’d get fired; Alexis, you’re still fifteen.

Until later!

Anybody need a goose down jacket?

According to eBay, I've apparently bought about $4000 worth. Guess what my friends are getting for Christmas?! My brother in Iraq is going to love it.

Damn good husband

Christmas gift giving tip from me to you:

When purchasing a beautiful new laptop for your wife as a surprise Christmas gift, perhaps it's better not to give the computer manufacturer her email address to confirm registration. Because when said wife gets up in the morning and checks her email, a message from HP specifically saying "Guess who's getting a new laptop!" kind of ruins your moment.

I spent most of today debating whether or not to let Jason know I found out about his gift and an offhand comment he made at dinner pushed me to tell. So here I am, christening this new computer with a brand new post all it's own.

Actually, there will be a separate post on the beauty of this little machine. Because it is wonderful. But now I want to tell Jason (which is actually completely silly as he never, ever reads this) thank you so much. This will not be returned.

HOORAY!

Surgery went very well: only needed a triple bypass. Dad's recovering nicely and, even under anesthesia, refused to tell Mom what he got her for Christmas.

Go Poppa!

Kick that left ventricle in the ass!

Ah, crap

It's official

I'm not surprised, we've all seen this coming. We're not expecting layoffs or anything drastic at the moment, so I can go into the holidays sure that I'll have a job when 2009 comes around.

Friday Fun Fact: when I started (April 17, 2000), our stock was $33.

Give the boy a hand

Yesterday when picking Will up from daycare, I asked his teacher if she'd mind changing his diaper before we left. This was the gist of the conversation:


Me: Hi [Teacher], would you mind changing Will's diaper before we go? I forgot my diaper bag and we have to run some errands.


Teacher: Well, he just used the potty not 10 minutes ago. He was productive.


M: I'm sorry, what?


T: Yeah, he's pretty good about using the potty here. He woke up from his nap with a dry diaper all last week.


M: Seriously, what?


So, apparently Tiny has been having "productive" potties while at daycare. I attribute this to peer pressure and the little miniature adult toilets the school has. Jason and I have come to the consensus that our potty chair is too small for Will and we'll be searching for a different one with a larger receptacle: Will's testicles will thank us.


Now, don't be getting excited about all this. There are still days when Will doesn't get to the potty in time and Teacher has to use a change of clothes. They're very nice and wash out the offending garment and return it to us in the evening. Just usually not like this:

Will hates Mommy

You may remember a post from earlier this week: I said I want a banana.

You may also remember the post before when Will tried to take me out with a toy jackhammer.

So these two incidents lead me to believe that Will might not get the warm fuzzies when he thinks of me. Last night, I got confirmation.

Little bugger bit me again. In the butt. Why is it just me? Why not Jason? Why are these habits not displayed at school or among his other little friends? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that sweet little Kylie & Jo are being spared Will's sudden liking for rump roast, but Jason has just as much of a bubble butt as I do, so what's the deal?

For Matt

Matt--or Funcle as he prefers to be known--bought Will a toy jackhammer for his 2nd birthday this year. Will's been enjoying it off and on the past couple of months, but on Friday, he snapped.

The kid came at me with this jackhammer.

I'm tired and can't think of any funny captions for these. Just know that he kept coming at me. I'd move back a bit so I could get a picture. Will would move as well. I'd go back, Will would go forward. And all the time he's jamming this jackhammer into the ground and we're getting this insane whirring noise every time the "toy" hits the tile and I know Will was aiming for my feet.

It was like he was on a mission to cause me harm.

Coupled with the biting earlier this week, I'm wondering if the kid's trying to tell me something.

I said I want a banana

Sigh. Will's a biter. Trust me, I have first hand knowledge.

The Dunbar's came over for dinner and dominoes tonight. I stood up to answer a phone call from a solicitor (damn our no-having-caller-id-ness). While I was asking Tom--I mean Jason--if he needed to speak to this person, Will was in the background constantly asking for a banana.

The kid really, really wanted a banana.

To prove how hungry he was, he bit me.

In the butt.

Only Tom Selleck looks good in a moustache

And you, sir, are no Tom Selleck.

Come Ooooon!

Actually, that's what he's really saying in this picture. Come ooooon Mama!

Status update

Took Will to his two year appointment this morning:

Height: 36" (please note: he's now able to go on all kiddie rides at Six Flags)
Weight: 32 lbs
Head: 19.75"

He's in the 75-90% for pretty much everything which is about on par with his growth so far, so we're excited about that. If we go by the adage that, full grown, he'll be twice as big as he is now, it can be safely assumed that Will will be just at 6'0" and 64 lbs.


We're so proud.

RIP Barney

May 31, 2003-November 4, 2008
I'll miss you, Barnabus

Edit: Thank you to everyone who has expressed concern. Being the good Catholic I am, I'm absolutely guilt-ridden. Barney hadn't been able to keep anything down, but I wasn't too worried about it. Then I noticed that he'd stopped eating. Then stopped drinking. I took him into the vet on Monday and she suggested keeping him overnight to get some fluids in him, but I balked at the price. So she gave him some subcutaneous fluids and took blood for tests and said she'd call the next day when the bloodwork was back.

So Tuesday morning comes around and Barney's sitting on my bathroom counter. I gave him a little extra love (I'm so thankful for that) and told him we'd get him feeling better soon. Then I went to work, went to vote, and came home and found him. I'm not sure when he died that day, but....

Anyway, thanks everyone. I miss him.

Happy Halloween!

Yeah, I'm late. Blogger didn't work for me last night.

Jason did the honor of carving our pumpkin this year. May I present Mr. Meowkins:

We never really got a good picture of Will in his pirate costume on our camera. We're placing all our eggs in Poppy's basket on that one. Regardless, here's a terrible shot of me and a candy-drunk Will:
We went to a few houses in our neighborhood and then carted everyone over to Kristy & Jon's neighborhood as one house over there went completely Griswold on the decorations (of course, we didn't get pictures but are again relying on Poppy).

We met up w/ some of Kristy & Jon's neighbors who have a 15mo little boy. He was Yoda. And he was awesome.

Please ignore my beer belly in this shot; it's not my best picture. The one below is better; I was trying to lean back to not actually be present in the photo, but it didn't work. Also, in the back you can see Yoda's mommy. No kidding, she's over six feet tall.

On a totally different note, I've decided I need to start betting on football games. I haven't been wrong yet; I've called every Cowboys loss and their win last week, plus I called the Texas loss today (SPOILER!). I could be making a killing.

Body image

So Will's at that stage when he's starting to notice body parts. Sometimes to amusing results.



Case in point: lately, he's been waking up with a bit of an erection (and I hope I never have to make note of that again) which he's noticed when changing his diaper in the morning. The first time Will saw this, he exclaimed "Whoa! Big penis!".



The other day I got out of the shower and Jason let Will into the bathroom to see me. When I opened the door of the shower stall, Will looked at my crotch and said "Ew! Dirty!". Although lately he's been wanting to wipe me when I'm peeing, so it must not freak him out that much.



I guess he's ready to start potty training?

Will eats!

I feed my child.

I feed my child:

Chee-tos

Yogurt

and bananas.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Another birthday post, folks!
Janice (aka Grandma) turned 50 this past Friday and Robert asked Kristy to put together a small party. And I helped!

We decided on a game-night theme and Party City helpfully obliged.



I'm a lame decorator. This is nothing new. Janice loved it, so that's all that matters.

Robert was in charge of flowers and he COMPLETELY rocked his role (heh). He got a bouquet for Dora (she was in charge of Kylie that day so Kristy could get stuff ready), one for me (obviously) and one for Kristy (even more obviously). The ones above? Those were for Janice. Those f-ers were heavy.

And a shot of the birthday girl. We all know I can't take a picture worth a crap so I posted the best one I've got. Don & Marsha surprised Janice by making the trip in and everyone had a great time playing Dominoes (Jenny and I should never sit next to each other)

Happy Birthday Abba!

Today is Mom’s birthday.

The past two years with Will has made me really appreciate my mom (and y’all know how much I already appreciate my mom). I’ve realized I need to get a move on if I’m going to half as awesome as my mom is/has been her entire life.

My mom made the birthday book for my elementary school library. Every child in that school got to choose a book in honor of his/her birthday; the child’s name and the name of the book was recorded in this… what I can only describe as the precursor to scrapbooking (which makes me laugh now knowing my mom’s thinking on scrapbooking). Anyway, there were balloons or presents or cakes or whatnot to transcribe each child’s name/book, but there was only one pink balloon. One pink balloon that had been reserved for Courage, Dana for Jill Calonico because I loved pink balloons.

My mom put notes in my lunch bag every so often, even when I was in high school.

My mom would make me a turkey bacon sandwich every morning if I asked her to (and sometimes I didn’t even have to ask).

My mom apologized and let me cry ran she ran over my first cat. Then, covered in kitty blood, she laughed with my friends and me when she told me she’d run over the second cat (both lived, btw, and went on to have very long kitty lives).

My mom took me to Fuddrucker’s on her 40th birthday because she didn’t want to be home when her birthday Strip-o-Gram arrived (and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to remember that or not).

My mom continued to let me wear my Strawberry Shortcake shoes even after they started smelling so badly they had to left outside at night.

My mom let me drive her fun little red sports car whenever I “needed” to.

My mom made me a Gloria VanderButt jean skirt when I was a kid.

My mom didn’t let me get too scared when I had a large, scary cyst removed. She took care of me.

My mom let me take care of her when she had a small, even more scary lump removed. She still didn’t let me get too scared.

My mom made my homecoming and prom dresses. She made my best friend’s wedding dress when her mom couldn’t.

My mom lives farther away than I’d like and I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like to. But she always answers the phone when I call and will tell me to suck it up when I’m being ridiculous (which is often).

My mom was always my mom when I was growing up, but now she’s my friend, too.

Happy Birthday, Mom—I love you.

Hodge podge

No real rhyme or reason to this, just pictures.

Will refused to get out of his chair, although he'd finished his snack. So we decided drawing would be the best use of his time. Ah, to think back to the hundreds of (collective) hours amassed on this kitchen table (to those who don't know, this is the kitchen table from my parents' old house. I inherited it when they moved. For my birthday this year, my parents hauled themselves up here and worked for hours [in May, in Texas, in my garage] sanding and staining this table to my precise specifications. I'm not all spoiled).

These shots are actually a couple hours after the previous ones. Will's eating again. On the counter.
After dinner and bath, I put Will in his Halloween costume (I do this so he gets used to it. He's not normally a big fan of hats, but he's making an exception for Halloween).
He's going to be a pirate, although the above shot reminds me of Oliver! "Please sir, can I have some more?"
"Food, glorious food!"

Actually, here you can really tell the pirate-ness of the costume. It comes with spats to go over his shoes but I didn't put them on yet. That disembodied hand is me holding Pirate Pablo which inspired Will's love of pirates (not Captain Feathersword).

After Dark in the Park

Today I realized that the Metroplex area turns into Stars Hollow when the weather gets "cooler" (meaning under 90 degrees) and we have umpteen different festivals going on. I'm pretty proud to say that Jason and I have been getting off our duffs and partaking in many of these.

This weekend is the annual "After Dark in the Park" festival, which we also attended last year with our good friends, The Harpers.

Will's favorite part, without a doubt, is the fire truck. Luckily, we got there before the fire truck was called away for fire-truck-ly duties, and we got the requisite picture in front of it.
Then we realised that, instead of waiting in the long line to sit in in the back seat and have your picture taken, we could go around the truck and immediately have Will's picture taken in the front seat. So we did.
Will helped himself to pushing a few buttons. Relax, he got permission.
We headed over to the pumpkin patch where Will picked out some of his favorites, then proceeded to roll, kick or throw them to other children in attendance. I really, really thought he was going to launch one at the baby in the corner of the above photo, but that crisis was somehow averted. Baby's mom was very cool about the near miss though. Thanks, Baby's Mom!
It was a long night and Will was very tired by the end of it. He just needed to stop and take a little rest for the long hayride back to the car.

Seriously, we turn into Stars Hollow.

Putting the hurt in yoghurt (British spelling)

Will helped himself to some yogurt (or yoghurt, for my English brethren)
"No Momma! No help"
Going.
Going.
Gone!

A(nother) look into the future

Thursdays are spent with the Greats; Will looks forward to this every week because not only does he get his dose of Grandpa and Garbage Trucks, he also gets to wear his backpack.
Which he loves.
He also loves his pirate shirt. I went to put clothes on him this morning (after a dirty diaper that was so massive he had to go straight into the tub) and he saw this shirt and insisted on wearing it. Thanks, Abba.

Story time

The ultimate Jason Story (the one that started Jason Stories) involves his boyfriend, Phillip H. Screwdriver. Jason used to have an old Corvair and one hot summer day, his dad asked Jason to move the car out of the driveway so they could play basketball (or something). So Jason, still in his swim trunks and nothing else, hops into the car.

Forgetting that he'd left a screwdriver (fat end up) wedged in the seat of his car.

It managed to get caught on his swimsuit as he did the aforementioned hopping and wedged itself elsewhere in his anatomy.

Being the loving wife I am, not only have I never let him forget this, but I also post about it on a blog for the whole wide world to see.

I thought I looked okay today...

But someone just asked me when I would be starting my maternity leave.

A few of our favorite things

With one major exception, I've gotten all the thank-you cards out, but wanted to call some people out for their excellent gifts.


Up first, we have The Godparents They supplied the Inflatable giga ball which carries it's own weight in awesomeness. Thanks, Dave. Also, the completely rocking airbrushed t-shirt, complete with sparkles.

It took Jason an entire air compressor to inflate the Gigaball enough for maximum viewing and playing. I've been trying for the past 45 minutes to upload a picture only to find out it's not a picture I have but a 4 minute video. I love y'all too much to make you suffer through the screeching heard on that clip. You're welcome.

Funcle Matt got Will a jackhammer (complete with earmuffs and gloves--safety first!). I love that toy a bit more than Will at this point, but give it time.

Finally, Abba & Poppa came through with the Black and Decker tool bench. Will and I both love this thing (actually, Kylie does too--apparently the screwdriver is good for gums). The little mini-circular saw actually has little gold flecks so when the saw spins, it looks like it's shooting out sparks.

I had a bit of a pity-party for myself on Will's actual birthday, but getting to open this stuff up w/ Will and seeing his little face light up when I told him something was from Violet or Funcle just made everything worth it. Thanks, guys.